Grieving the Loss of a Complicated Relationship
IN THIS LESSON
Creating Rituals and Memorials
When you lose someone with whom you had a complex or strained relationship, traditional forms of remembrance may not feel right. You might not feel comfortable engaging in typical mourning practices, or you may struggle with conflicting emotions when thinking about how to honor their memory. However, creating personal rituals and ways of remembering can be a powerful tool for processing grief, finding closure, and reclaiming your own healing journey.
If at any time these ideas and activities seem to be hurting more than they are helping, stop immediately and seek the support of a licensed counselor. These activities and lessons are designed to build healthy coping skills, but they do not replace therapeutic processing of a painful loss.
The Emotional Journey of Losing a Complicated Relationship
Why Rituals Matter in Grief
Rituals are intentional actions that provide structure and meaning during times of loss. They offer a way to express emotions, acknowledge the impact of the relationship, and move forward in a way that feels right for you.
Even if your relationship with the person was complicated, they were still a part of your story. Creating your own rituals allows you to grieve on your terms—without pressure to conform to societal expectations of mourning.
Challenges in Remembering Someone with a Complicated Relationship
Conflicted Emotions – You may feel sadness, anger, relief, or guilt, making it hard to decide how (or if) to honor their memory.
Pressure from Others – Family members or society may expect you to grieve in a certain way, which may not align with your personal experience.
Unfinished Business – If the relationship was unresolved, memories may feel more painful or confusing.
Even with these challenges, creating personal ways to remember the person can help you process grief in a way that feels authentic to you.
Ideas for Creating Personal Rituals
Rituals don’t have to be traditional; they just need to hold meaning for you. Here are some ideas:
Write an Unsent Letter – Express anything left unsaid—whether it’s gratitude, anger, closure, or a mix of emotions. You can keep it, burn it, or let it go in a way that feels right.
Light a Candle with Intention – Acknowledge their impact on your life, both positive and negative, while setting an intention for your own healing.
Create Art or a Symbolic Object – Make a painting, collage, or keepsake that represents the complexity of your relationship and your personal journey.
Reclaim a Memory or Place – If there are places tied to difficult memories, consider revisiting them on your own terms, reshaping their meaning in a way that supports your healing.
Perform an Act of Kindness – Honor their life by doing something positive, such as volunteering, making a donation, or helping someone in need. This can be a way to channel emotions into something meaningful.
Design a Personal Goodbye Ritual – This could be as simple as a quiet moment of reflection, scattering flowers in nature, or playing a song that represents what you need to let go of.
The Benefits of Creating Rituals and Memories
Gives You a Sense of Control – You decide how to honor and process the relationship without external pressures.
Validates the Complexity of Your Experience – Acknowledging both the positive and painful aspects of your connection helps you integrate the loss in a way that feels right.
Creates Space for Closure – Even if closure feels elusive, personal rituals can help you process unresolved emotions and find a sense of peace.
Honors Your Healing, Not Just Their Memory – The goal of these rituals is not only to remember them but to support your own well-being as you move forward.
Final Thought
There is no “right” way to grieve someone with whom you had a complicated relationship. You don’t have to follow traditional customs if they don’t feel authentic to you. Instead, focus on what helps you process your emotions, make sense of your experience, and move forward with compassion for yourself. Creating your own rituals can be a powerful step in making peace with the past while honoring your own healing journey.
Symbolic Storytelling
To help you create personal rituals that honor your unique experience with a complicated relationship, try the "Symbolic Storytelling" activity. Find a small object that feels symbolic to you – it could be a stone, a piece of fabric, a key, anything that resonates with your relationship or the emotions you're holding. Then, create a small, personal ritual around this object. This could involve holding the object while reflecting on specific memories, writing a short story or poem about its symbolism, burying it in a meaningful place, or incorporating it into a piece of art. The focus is on using the object as a tangible representation of your complex feelings and creating a ritual that helps you process those feelings in a way that feels authentic to you.
If, while engaging in this Symbolic Storytelling activity, you find yourself becoming overwhelmed by the intensity of your emotions, please stop. This activity is meant to be a tool for processing and healing, not a source of further distress. It's perfectly acceptable to put the object away and revisit the ritual when you feel more emotionally prepared. Perhaps try engaging in a gentler self-care practice, like listening to calming music, spending time in nature, or talking with a trusted friend or therapist. Remember, grief is a journey, and there is no right or wrong way to navigate it. Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself the time and space you need to process your emotions. If you consistently find that activities meant to explore your grief trigger intense emotional pain, it's highly recommended to seek support from a grief counselor. A professional can provide a safe and supportive space for you to explore these complex and often conflicting emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
Community members: Enter the Holding Space Community and talk about this experience in the Community Chat. Share a picture of your activity or give advice for others thinking of trying the activity, if you would like to.