Loss of a Parent
IN THIS LESSON
Embracing Different Types of Parental Relationships
Grieving the loss of a parent is never a one-size-fits-all experience. Your relationship with your parent or parental figure was unique, shaped by personal history, family dynamics, and individual circumstances. Some people have strong, loving relationships with their parents, while others may have experienced distance, conflict, or even estrangement. Regardless of the nature of your relationship, your grief is valid, and embracing the different types of parental relationships can help you navigate your healing journey.
If at any time these ideas and activities seem to be hurting more than they are helping, stop immediately and seek the support of a licensed counselor. These activities and lessons are designed to build healthy coping skills, but they do not replace therapeutic processing of a painful loss.
The Emotional Journey of Grief After Losing a Parent
Recognizing the Spectrum of Parental Bonds
Parental relationships come in many forms, and your grief may be influenced by the role your parent played in your life:
Biological Parents – Whether present or absent, biological parents often hold a significant place in our identity. Their loss can stir deep emotional reflections, even if they weren’t actively involved in your life.
Adoptive Parents – The bond with an adoptive parent is built through love and choice. Their passing may bring unique grief, including feelings of gratitude, loss of security, or reconnection with early life experiences.
Step-Parents – A step-parent may have played a crucial role in your upbringing. Their loss may feel just as significant as a biological parent, even if others don’t recognize it in the same way.
Foster Parents or Guardians – Losing a caregiver who provided stability and love can feel like losing a guiding force, especially if they played a key role in shaping your life.
Mentors or Parental Figures – Sometimes, a teacher, coach, or other mentor steps into a parental role. Their loss can be profound, even if they weren’t a legal or biological parent.
Honoring Your Unique Grief
Grieving a parent isn’t just about their biological or legal connection to you—it’s about what they meant to you. If you had a close, supportive relationship, their loss may feel like losing a lifelong source of love and guidance. If your relationship was complicated or distant, grief may bring mixed emotions, including sadness, regret, or even relief.
Regardless of how your relationship looked, your grief is valid. You don’t have to justify your feelings to anyone. The most important thing is to give yourself permission to grieve in your own way.
Finding Comfort in the Relationship You Had
Rather than focusing on what your relationship wasn’t, try to honor what it was. Every relationship has complexity, but you can:
Acknowledge the good moments – Even in difficult relationships, there may have been times of connection, lessons learned, or small acts of love.
Accept the challenges – If your relationship was strained, allow yourself to grieve the relationship you wished you had, as well as the one that existed.
Find meaning in their influence – Whether positive or difficult, your parent’s presence shaped your life in some way. Reflecting on how they influenced you can help bring understanding and closure.
Embracing Your Own Definition of Family
Losing a parent can redefine what family means to you. You might find comfort in strengthening relationships with siblings, extended family, or chosen family. You may also seek out support from others who understand your experience, such as friends, grief groups, or mentors.
Grief doesn’t follow a rulebook, especially when it comes to different types of parental relationships. By embracing your unique experience and allowing yourself to grieve in a way that feels right for you, you can honor your parent’s impact while continuing your own journey toward healing.
Parental Figure Playlist
Goal: To create a musical tribute that honors the influence of your parent or parental figure and evokes memories and emotions associated with your relationship.
Materials: A music streaming service or music library; a notebook or piece of paper; a pen/pencil.
Instructions:
Memory & Emotion Brainstorm: Think about your parent or parental figure and the role they played in your life. What kind of music did they enjoy? Are there any songs that remind you of them or specific memories you shared? What emotions do you associate with your relationship (joy, love, sadness, longing, etc.)?
Song Selection: Choose songs that reflect your parent's personality, evoke memories, or express the emotions you're experiencing in your grief. Don't limit yourself to a specific genre; include any songs that feel meaningful.
Playlist Creation: Create a playlist with the songs you've selected. You can add notes to each song in your notebook explaining why you chose it and what it represents about your relationship.
Listen & Reflect: Listen to your playlist and allow yourself to feel the emotions that arise. You can use this time for reflection, journaling, or simply to connect with the memories and feelings associated with your parent or parental figure.
If the "Parental Figure Playlist" activity triggers difficult emotions or intensifies your grief instead of providing comfort, it's important to stop and prioritize your emotional well-being. It's perfectly normal for grief to surface unexpectedly, and some days will be harder than others. Gently stop listening to the music and engage in a gentler self-care practice. This might involve spending time in silence, spending time indoors, talking to a trusted friend or family member, or simply resting. Remember that healing is not linear, and it's okay to step back from activities that feel overwhelming. If you consistently find that remembering specific memories or reflecting on the relationship triggers intense pain, consider seeking support from a grief counselor or therapist. They can provide a safe space to process these emotions and develop healthy coping strategies. Be patient and compassionate with yourself, and honor your need for self-care during this challenging time.
Community members: Enter the Holding Space Community and talk about this experience in the Community Chat. Share a picture of your activity or give advice for others thinking of trying the activity, if you would like to.