Grieving the Loss of a Child
IN THIS LESSON
The Shock and Denial of Grief
When faced with the loss of a loved one, especially a child, the initial response is often shock and denial. While it can feel like a barrier, this phase is an essential part of the grieving journey.
If at any time these ideas and activities seem to be hurting more than they are helping, stop immediately and seek the support of a licensed counselor. These activities and lessons are designed to build healthy coping skills, but they do not replace therapeutic processing of a painful loss.
Processing the Shock and Denial of Grief
When faced with the loss of a loved one, especially a child, the initial response is often shock and denial. This stage is the mind’s way of protecting itself from overwhelming pain, allowing a person to process the loss gradually. While it can feel like a barrier, this phase is an essential part of the grieving journey.
Understanding Shock and Denial
Shock: The body and mind may go into survival mode, making emotions feel distant or numb. Some people describe it as feeling like they are “watching a movie” rather than experiencing reality.
Denial: The loss may seem unreal, and the brain may struggle to accept it. This can manifest as expecting to hear their voice, waiting for them to walk through the door, or feeling like the loss "didn’t really happen."
Why Do We Experience This?
Grief is an overwhelming emotional experience, and shock provides a buffer against the full impact of the loss. The mind processes reality in pieces, allowing a person to function and gradually absorb the truth at their own pace.
Common Reactions During This Phase
Feeling numb or disconnected from reality
Difficulty believing the loss has happened
Avoiding reminders of the person who has passed
Going through daily routines as if nothing has changed
Experiencing moments of intense disbelief followed by crushing sadness
Ways to Begin Processing Shock and Denial
Acknowledge what you're feeling. It’s okay if your emotions seem distant or unpredictable. This is your mind’s way of coping.
Talk about your loss. Whether with a trusted friend, a grief counselor, or a support group, sharing your thoughts can help make the loss feel more real.
Create a small ritual. Lighting a candle, looking at photos, or writing in a journal can provide a gentle way to start facing reality.
Give yourself time. There’s no rush to “accept” the loss. Let yourself move through this phase at your own pace.
Seek support. If you feel stuck in denial for an extended period or are avoiding all reminders of your loss, a grief counselor can help you process your emotions in a safe way.
A Gentle Reminder
Shock and denial are not signs of weakness—they are natural responses to deep loss. Be patient with yourself as you begin to process the reality of your grief. In time, the initial numbness will give way to deeper emotions, and healing can begin. You don’t have to go through this alone.
Memory Box
To help you gently move through the shock and denial that often accompanies the loss of a child, consider creating a "Memory Box" specifically focused on celebrating their life. Find a box that feels special to you, and instead of focusing on the loss, fill it with things that remind you of the joy and love you shared. Include photos, letters, artwork they created, a favorite toy, a piece of clothing – anything that evokes happy memories and celebrates their unique spirit. When the shock and denial feel overwhelming, and the reality of the loss seems too much to bear, spend some time with this box. Hold the objects, look at the photos, and allow yourself to remember the love and laughter. This activity isn't about forcing acceptance, but rather gently acknowledging the reality of their life and the beautiful moments you shared. It's a way to honor their presence in your life, and to remind yourself of the love that continues to connect you, even in grief.
If you find that engaging with the Memory Box brings up too much pain and intensifies your feelings of denial or shock, it's perfectly okay to step away. This activity is meant to be a source of comfort, not further distress. Put the box away and know that it will be there for you when you feel ready. Perhaps try focusing on other self-care activities, like spending time in nature, listening to calming music, or talking to a trusted friend or therapist. Remember that grief is a process, and there's no right or wrong way to navigate it. Be patient with yourself, and allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. It's also important to acknowledge that sometimes, professional support is necessary to process the shock and denial associated with such a profound loss. If you're finding it difficult to move through this stage of grief, consider reaching out to a grief counselor who can provide a safe space for you to explore your emotions and begin the healing process.
Community members: Enter the Holding Space Community and talk about this experience. Share a picture of your Memory Box in the Community Chat, if you would like to.